She was herself in this band. There was no pseudonym. She wrote the lyrics and the bass parts for this song. She growled and sang soprano. There were influences she wanted to address with Helgrind: Dante, the Norse Gods, Sartre, Egyptian mythology. With her other band, Inhuman (2002-2008), it was the Bible, Robinson Jeffers, Nietzsche. Now, divested of the current opportunity to perform live, she can scarcely imagine all the energy these bands required. Jams, several times a week. Researching, writing. Practicing singing in ways that hurt sometimes. Booking shows. Lugging gear. Playing for an hour or more; with Inhuman she even wore spikes, leather, steel-toed boots, velvet, corpse paint and the lights were hot, the show always late. This recognition is only to celebrate how much one can make that one never envisioned making. A person was given, a sound, a period of time & a certain amount of magic. And then, it vanished. Will anything approximating this time in her life return? She both craves & fears it. As humans do towards anything intense, altering.